We will have our full match preview online this evening as well as our match-day newsletter, The Special into your in-box on Sunday but we feel it is our responsibility as your fanzine of choice to issue recommendations for Sunday’s match v. Liverpool at St James’ Park.

In recent years we’ve all become traumatised by the woeful standard of football, depressed by United’s diminishing competitiveness and despairing at one shocking result after another. 2015 is now the worst year for results in the entire history of the club.

Many supporters are now anxious and fretful of the outcome of Sunday’s game given Liverpool’s resurgence under Klopp and our continuing nose-dive under Ashley’s latest sap, Steve McClaren. Therefore we are recommending those who will have the great misfortune to be at SJP on Sunday to take precautions to preserve the remnants of what remains of your happiness.

We are recommending that the best way to watch a Steve McClaren NewcastleUnited team in such a fixture with Liverpool is to apply a blindfold when the teams kick off until the final whistle.

In this way you will be able to meet up with your mates, enjoy the company of like-minded fellows but avoid seeing cowards in our colours and a really bad phony flailing around cluelessly in the dug-out under the watchful eye of the incompetent whoppers in the Directors Box. We do not expect Mike Ashley to be at the game. Jesus, why would he?

We will rely on more enterprising souls than us to set up stalls on Strawberry Place knocking out the blindfolds.

That is all.