We’re back in the ‘land of glory’ or whatever mental name attributed to the Premier League these days to shift TV subscriptions.  Back in the ‘big time’, ‘the promised land’ etc etc.  Funnily enough I associate the Premier League with NUFC being shit and losing games.  Of our last 100 games did you know we’ve only won 3!!  That’s not true, but it feels like it.  No wonder we went down.

As many of you will probably have forgotten everything about this ‘League of League’s’ (okay, no one calls it that, but they’d like to) I’ve compiled some information of our competitors so you know what’s what just in time for our ‘assault’ (don’t laugh) on the Premier League.

  1.  Arsenal:  Padded seats in the away end to get us off to a shocking start. I like my away end seats to be like those provided at Goodison: unusable and a genuine threat to the safety of anyone who would want to sit in them. Get less people actually turn up to their games than we did in the Second Division.  Partners in arms with them down the road for just making up attendances cos they’re embarrassed about people not showing up.
  2. Bournemouth:  We took more to Milan in 2003 than they get for home games.  Gave us Matt Ritchie though so….
  3. Brighton and Hove Albion:  Media Champions of the Second Division of England.  Until they weren’t.
  4. Burnley: Statistically our ‘local’ rivals so I’ve always hated them.  Fun fact about Burnley away: last time we played them away Mike Williamson was so bad Pardew had to hook him at half time and replaced him with Steven Taylor.  We were 9th or something.  Please read that sentence back to yourself and realise WE AREN’T GOING DOWN.
  5. Chelsea:  No longer £56 a ticket.  Still a terrible away trip.  They took Demba Ba off us for no reason.  Literally no reason.  Had no intention of playing him ever.  Same with Loic Remy.  Hope they go bust for that alone.
  6. Crystal Palace:  Don’t know how to feel about Palace.  Apparently their ground is decent for an away day.  Their BBC lauded support rarely makes it outside of the M25.  They broke their transfer record to buy Alan Pardew off us and then sacked him practically on Christmas Day. They hate Brighton as well.  Pluses and negatives for this lot.
  7. Everton:  Doing what we did with Andy Carroll but their fans don’t seem to realise whats happening.  Sell your best player for loads and buy lots of less good players with the money but cunningly don’t actually spend any additional money in the process.  This is just the 2017 version. Mugs.
  8. Huddersfield Town:  Your best pal still reckons they’re going to win their last thirteen games and catch us.  They didn’t and they’re still shit.
  9. Leicester City: The world’s greatest miracle couldn’t have happened to a more boring club.  Mags of a certain age haven’t forgiven them for the last day of the season down there in 1992. It’s depressing how far they’ve come while we’ve fallen, since 2015!
  10. Liverpool:  There’ll be a Rafa love in and why the hell not?  Their home game against us at the end of September is probably the game i’m looking forwards to most.  I quite like them really.
  11. Manchester City:  No thanks, Pep.  A billion quid he’s spent in seven years of management and without Lionel Messi and the best team by a mile in Germany, he’s done nothing.  It’s a terrible away day as well.
  12. Manchester United:  Does anyone even care anymore?  More of a social media channel than a football club.
  13. Newcastle United:  A stunning collection of the best looking, best dressed people in Europe.  All in one place.  Strange how it happens like that?  That’s just the first team squad as well.  The city is the best away game in Europe but it’s not on a tube line so Henry and Andrew won’t be doing Newcarsle away this year even though they’re Palace home and away.
  14. Southampton:  The club Mike Ashley wants to be but no one else does.
  15. Stoke:  I get the feeling that the manager, football club and city of Stoke are furious this isn’t the 1999/2000 season and being shit but organised only gets you so far.
  16. Swansea City:  A great city and working class support. Not sure what to do with them. One of my worst away trips ever last time around when Janmaat got sent off getting mugged off by a player who presumably retired after the game – as i’ve never heard of him since.
  17. Spurs:  Fair play to them for losing to us twice last time.  Wembley will be fun until the game starts.  Loads of time for what they’re doing and their manager.  Sissoko for £30m though lads?
  18. Watford: Got nothing at all for you here, sorry.
  19. West Brom:  Decent away end actually.  I like going there .  That’s it.
  20. West Ham United:  Incredible act of old school East End spirit in honouring the muderous thefts of the Kray twins by stealing a massive stadium from the tax payer.  As a tax payer we could have done with the money as well for like, hospitals or something, rather than two weeks worth of sport which no one actually cares about, five years ago.

Alex Hurst