We’ve all been there: a player misplaces a pass, loses a marker, or just can’t seem to score. Cue cries from the bloke a few seats over that he’s shite and isn’t fit to wear the shirt.

But there are some players whose ineptitude puts them at a whole other level. With this in mind, a few of us at True Faith towers decided to pick our own XIs, made up of the crap-de-la-crap of United’s Premier League players over the years.

Alex Hurst

I think picking a ‘worst’ side is of course subjective but also needs categorised. There have been scores of dreadful players, youngsters never going to be good enough and down right transfer disasters, but my XI is made up of lads who I’ve had the misfortune to watch week in week out, many of whom we know were good enough at the top level for other clubs, but just stunk out NE1 with their sheer uselessness. So it was a ten game minimum to be selected….

In goal I have a fan favourite who seemed to be chained to his goal line. Bonus points for making Florian Lejeune and Ciaran Clark look terrible when playing in front of him.

At the back two full backs who made a career out of just backing off and letting wingers cross the ball and letting the centre backs deal with it. Hopefully not the two centre backs were the two I’ve gone for who despite height and Brazilian caps, could neither play football on the floor or win headers.

Damien Duff and Thauvin – two wingers that were/are genuinely good footballers but we’re dire at United when much was expected of them. Injuries were blamed for Duff’s lack of end product beyond running the ball out of play but then he put in 4 solid years at Fulham…a miracle

The midfield two actually played for NUFC and continents have moved more quickly (but committed less fouls).

Upfront Carl Cort forgot how to be a footballer when he moved North and Michael Chopra was the golden boy who is best remembered for missing an open goal for another team against United, not that it surprised any of us.

Chris Shipman

What a trip down memory lane this was. No Hurst-esque caveats for me: if they had a Premier League minute to their name, they were fair game. Football is brutal sometimes.

Andreas Andersson was a whisker (or more accurately a designer Swedish headband)-away from being included, but I couldn’t see past the inclusion up-top of actual World Cup winner Stephane Guivarc’h and disaster’s very own Emmanuel Riviere. I still don’t know how the latter scored a whole three goals at NUFC: one in the league at QPR, off his shin of course.

Stephen Ireland walked into this side as did a stale Sol Campbell. Silvio Maric was class on Championship Manager, but dire in real life and the less said about Nacho Gonzalez the better.

Curtis Good would have been included, had he not hobbled his way to a grand total of zero Premier League performances in six years at NUFC (one in the eye for the theory of nominative determinism there, cancelling out the theory’s accuracy when it came to Damien Duff).

Alnwick in goal gets points for bravery, but few for ability: his first full start saw him ship four at Arsenal, and sadly he never really recovered. Not shown: Joe Kinnear profaning the touchline as manager. Truly an embarrassment of Magpies.

Micky Carling

Sadly there was a lot of choice in almost every position, with a particular shout out to the plethora of dismal centre halves we’ve seen in black and white. Campbell and Boumsong (remember his first game where they spelled his name wrong on the back of his shirt?), flanked by Premier League winner Danny Simpson and Celestine Babayaro, who thought it was ok to run through Chelsea’s guard of honour at SJP despite playing for us.

Matz Sels pipped a bunch of keepers to the goalkeeping berth but, unsurprisingly, is the only Rafa signing to make the cut.

I allowed myself a little artistic license in putting Luque on the left wing, Pancrate secured the wide right spot despite his ridiculous goal against Watford and fun-to-say-out-loud name. In centre mid I chose two of the most negative, brutal players possible. Nicky Butt (I’d have picked him in all eleven sports if I could) didn’t try to be good for Newcastle and I’ll hate him forever for his patter after the semi final in Cardiff, and Smith was signed as a striker but forgot how to score or shoot or head so had to play in defensive midfield, where he was shite.

Riviere and Tomasson could play a million games for Newcastle and not collectively beat a single figure goals haul. Riviere’s only goal came off the foot he didn’t try to shoot with, and he’s now playing in Serie B.

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