Before I start I’ll give you an opportunity to give this match report a swerve. If you have any time for our Manager or any of his backroom staff then I don’t think you’ll be interested in reading this. So, I’ve given you a pre warning.

Yesterday summarised how shit we’ve become since Cabaye’s departure, where in all honesty we weren’t even that good then, a display that encapsulated everything that’s wrong at Newcastle United.

As always the pre match craic was decent with few lads telling some canny stories of their trip to Switzerland during the week. As is the norm with Newcastle United at the moment nobody was particularly looking forward to the game, It’s a crying shame how over a 9 month period that grey-haired twat in charge has taken away all the enjoyment out of watching United.

On the match I could go on about what happened but to be honest after 25 minutes I was paying very little attention. I just wanted the bar to open to be honest. I cared little about paying £4 for a pint after the farce of what I’d just seen, it was very much needed.  On the game nobody other than Colback, only one who looks like he gives a fuck, came away with any respect. The goalkeeper and back four were woeful. Newcastle United have the same set of centre backs as we did in our promotion season. Only at Newcastle United. Coloccini is looking more and more like the player who didn’t give a flying fuck during our relegation season, any good memoires I had about that bloke are quickly being etched in to the back of my memory. Whilst Williamson is proving to us what he’s always been a Championship clogger at best. His display yesterday was something that wouldn’t be acceptable on Sunday league pitches. The header for the 2^nd goal was possibly the worst bit of defending I’ve ever seen. Iron Mike?!?! Have a day off you fucking cretins.

On to our goalkeeper and he’s worse than he was when he came into the team 4 years ago.

Slow off his line, can’t kick to save his life and his vocal skills are non-existent. That fat prick Woodman has a lot to answer for. Too busy getting pissed at Grand Prixs in cream blazers with Pardew instead of trying to improve himself as a coach. Just jolly old boys club us.

United could have been 1-0 down in a minute with Colo the clown’s backpass to Krul being short and Shane Long nearly deflecting it in. From the first minute Newcastle looked fucking terrified. The game passed by Anita, who by the way is fucking terrible, and Sissoko. On Moussa, he’s the biggest coward of the lot for me. Built like a brick shithouse the c**t couldn’t tackle a Ham and Pease pudding sandwich. Loads of ability but no heart whatsoever. As mentioned Colback was the only one who looked like he was trying. I’d give the lad the captaincy now. At the very least the lad gives a fuck about us. I’d give anything to have the likes of Nolan and Barton back, I’ll agree they may have not been as talented as some of the players we’ve got now but at least they cared and gave their all when they crossed the line in a B&W shirt. I don’t mind us being shit but I do mind travelling the breadth of the country and those wankers not even trying.

The first goal was dreadful defending from Newcastle, Southampton’s full back wasn’t tracked by the once again ineffectual Cabella and the marking of Pelle by Williamson and Colo was horrific. 1-0 down in 6 minutes and we were lucky it was only one.

The look on the players’ faces told you everything you needed to know. Not one of them looked slightly arsed that we were getting beat whilst our Manager said sat on his arse in the dug out to scared because he’d get booed off the travelling contingent. The bloke’s a coward and isn’t fit manage our great club. You can say what you like about someone like Di Canio but at least when his sides were shite he apologised about it. Yesterday Alan once again blamed the fans, many of whom had got up at 4am in the morning, for being negative. Apparently that didn’t help; personally I reckon it might be to do with us having no style of play, idea of how to defend and the continuing hope that Mike Williamson will win a header at the far stick.

The 2^nd goal was even worse. Williamson header to Colo was pathetic and our desperate calls for offside were fucking atrocious. Truly painful to watch. At this point I was just waiting for the bar to open, to be honest I think the majority were. An extended HT pint meant I didn’t return to my seat till the after the second half had started. It was very much same as before; other than the hate towards Pardew seemed to go up in gear with a couple of flags making an appearance in the away end.

A quick side note on our support. What the fuck has happened to it? It’s woeful. When I was a kid I used to tell everyone who would listen that my club had the best support in the land. Nowadays I’m embarrassed by it. We’ve got fans who can’t sing anything with more than two syllables and supporters who don’t even know the words to the Blaydon Races. Everyone’s so desperate to start fucking TOON TOON B&W Army that any of the actual decent songs we have never get a chance for an outing. Our supports on par with our team at the minute. Embarrassing.

The 3^rd goal was again atrocious with Krul and the Donkey that is Mike Williamson fucking up again. 3-0 took a lot longer than I thought it would. The 3^rd goal brought on more anti Pardew chants with ‘ Pardew show us your face’ getting an outing as our Manager sat in the dugout while the clueless Geordie duo of Carver and Stone instructed the side to do something. I’d imagine it was something that included ‘Hit Willo at the far stick’. On Carver he was apparently offering fans out before the game. There’s a reason this bloke has never got a top managerial job he so craves it’s because he’s shit. He gets sacked from every job he’s in. He couldn’t manage in the MLS FFS.

With twenty minutes to go I’d seen enough so dually departed to make the short trip back to Reading.

Next week has all the making of the end. 5 years on from the Hull farce in September 2008 Newcastle United are back at rock bottom. The walls are caving in Alan. Your time is nearly up.

NEWCASTLE UNITED WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED

Team Ratings

Newcastle United: Krul (1), Janmaat (4), Coloccini (1), Williamson(-10), Haidara(4),Colback(6), Anita(2) (Tiote 46(4)), Cabella(2) (Perez 69), Sissoko(1) (Ameobi 89), Gouffran(3), Riviere(4)

Our Support: At least they turned up; sadly we’ve got the shitest song book in the football league.

Their Support: As bad as ours

JACK McLANE  

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