Opposition: Everton FC

Facts: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everton_F.C

Unknown fact: Everton have remained in the top division since 1954, and were founding members of the Premier League in 1992.

Venue: Goodison Park

Date / Time: Saturday 30th Jan 2021 – 12:30 Kick Off – Live on BT Sport

Where the hell to start with this one? I think I speak for the majority of Mags when I say that it’s getting harder every week to show any remote interest in Newcastle United Football Club. With Tubby Johnson and Bacon Bruce at the helm, they really are steering a rudderless ship into oblivion, and it’s p!ssing me off no end!

Finally, the “pundits” are starting to see what us fans, whose expectations are apparently deluded, have been saying for the last 18 months. Seeing Jamie “Spit the Dog” Carragher and Jamie “Literally Jamie” Redknapp’s quotes from Saturday night’s debacle at Villa, alongside the majority of the written press and TalkSh!te “experts” shows, it’s evident that we know what we’re talking about up here North of the Wall.

Writing this the morning after yet another defeat, this time at home to recently promoted Leeds United, (it should be noted that this is the first time in 45 years that the Lillywhites have done the double over us) and it’s clear to all, well, all of us fans, that we are in serious trouble! Yes, the last half hour was much more encouraging, but once again, the approach to the game was horrifying to witness. 

The straws that have well and truly broken the camel’s back (well – shattered it) have come thick and fast in the week preceding our trip to the Scouse Mackems. At the time of writing, we are poised to bring in a new coach, Graeme Jones, a big hitting “super-coach,” who’s going to help the hapless Steves in the dugout. I mean, dear me, why not go the whole hog and bring in the other cast members of Monty Python, Cleese, Idle, Palin and Gilliam and we have a full house. Couple this with the Kebab Muncher’s flat-out refusal to answer questions from the written press, and we are officially a sh!t-show once more. I really don’t think Houdini could produce the greatest of escapes as we sleepwalk to relegation once again under the FCB.

Comparing the two managers is like taking a Ferrari for a test drive, and then buying a frigging Corsa. I’ll let you decide which dugout the Ferrari is in.

Carlo Ancelotti – Aged 61. Has won the Champions League 3 times with Real Madrid and Milan. 5 league titles in Italy, 1 league title in England, 1 FA Cup, 1 League title in France, 1 League title in Germany, 5 Coppa Italia wins – And much, much more!! – If you want to see the long list of honours this world-class manager has won, both as a player and a manger, head over to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_Ancelotti. World Class.

Clubs Managed by Cheeky Carlo: – Reggiana, Parma, Juventus, Milan, Chelsea, PSG, Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, Napoli, Everton.

Stephen Roger Bruce – Aged 60. Has won absolutely nowt as a manager in over 20 years of trying. Woah, hang on I hear you mutter, he got Hull to the Cup Final once! – Well, blow me sideways, who’d have thought he’d be such a failure in the Mag’s dugout.

Clubs Managed by Bacon Brain: – Sheffield United, Huddersfield, Wigan, Crystal Palace, Birmingham, Wigan, Sunderland, Hull, Villa, Sheffield Wednesday, Newcastle United. He tells us he’s never walked away from a challenge! Really? It doesn’t take Magnus Magnusson (for the younger readers amongst us, look him up) to tell us that’s just plain lies.

I’ll ask the question again – Who’s the Ferrari and who’s the Corsa?

Everton have performed well this season, having got off to a flier with Calvert Lewin banging them in for fun. Add Richarlison, James Rodriguez, Allan, Digne and Sigurdsson and Mina to their array of stars and it won’t take a genius to predict the outcome of this one.

SB gave us yet more dogsh!t excuses after Saturday night’s surrender at Villa Park. Apparently we haven’t been able to field ASM and Fraser together enough this season. I’ll challenge that. Fraser has been on the bench far too much this season (ok, he’s hardly been fit) but when he’s come on, it’s invariably been for our mercurial French talisman. Admittedly, the sooner we can get them both fit the better, although our esteemed leader will likely play them both as “false 2s.”

At least we have two keepers that are better than The Toffees’ T-Rex armed pasty-faced temper tantrum mackem. However, pretty much everywhere else on the pitch, they have players that are far superior to those that pull on the Black & White shirts every week this season.

And to top it all – our record signing, Joelinton, is the worst Brazilian since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife’s nether regions!

We have two hopes of survival this season. Firstly that our rotund owner sees the light and raises the dugout’s P45s post haste, or second, we manage, somehow, to get ASM, Fraser, Miggy and Wilson on the same pitch at the same time and we actually bother to have a go at the opposition. 

So onto the dreaded prediction….. Can anyone really see us troubling the scorers? We seem destined to be stuck on 19 b!stard points forever more! Therefore, I’m going for a routine 2-0 Toffees win.  However, we did beat them in the return fixture earlier in the season, and haven’t beaten them in injury time before, so my pal Castle Farm Mag says it’ll be a 98th minute away winner 0-1;  he’s an even worse gambler than me!

Howay the Mags

@peekeekay