It won’t have escaped anyone’s attention that today was transfer deadline day, to fans of most clubs it’s a day of excitement, a day of speculation and “I saw Mbappé in a chippy in Liverpool!” but sadly for us Newcastle fans, it was just another Tuesday. Such is the lack of ambition and rank mediocrity of this walking dead football club, we didn’t believe we’d sign anyone really, and we didn’t! Well, nobody for the first team anyway.

There was a signing that drew a lot of attention within the media and click bait social media platforms out there, and that was the signing of young Santiago Muñóz from Mexican side Santos Laguna. You’re probably wondering why it’s gained so much interest, well if you’ve seen the football movie “Goal!” then that question will be answered, for this player shares a very similar name to the title character of that movie Santiago Munez, played by actor Kuno Becker. Not only does our new signing share a similar sounding name with the hero of the movie, but also shares an eerily similar background too.

Both Mexicans, born in the USA, and used football to make a life for themselves, and their families. “Goal!” Is actually a very enjoyable movie to be fair, a story where you route for the hero, and being from this region, I loved the fact our club was used as the backdrop for the story, and serving as filming locations, the beautiful Tynemouth beaches I so often frequent, but I’m afraid this isn’t a movie, this is real life, and for us Newcastle fans, expecting reinforcements today, this just isn’t good enough.

On the other hand, for all those post graduate, middle class wankers working for the likes of social media sites that flood the web with tik toks and pirate songs, it’s fucking manna from heaven! “Oh yah Toby, have you seen this? Newcaastle have signed a player, who’s name is exactly like that guy in the movie…top bantz!” Well I’m sorry “Chaps” it isn’t “Top bantz!” It’s “fucking pants!” If Newcastle United were a movie, it wouldn’t be a comedy, it would be a horror movie! One that could give Freddie Kruger nightmares!

Not only do we have to put up with that lot smothering social media with this story for likes and retweets, we’ll no doubt have the usual giggle squad, who love nothing more than to laugh at our club, in Sky Sports & Talksport, who’ll probably ratch out the actor of the movies, who’s 5 minutes of fame has long since gone, and give him a few extra quid in his pocket as they milk this novelty tit dry.

It’s easy to forget that in amongst this giant farce, there’s actually a real player arriving at the club, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about him. His record isn’t exactly wonderful, he’s got 3 goals in 19 outings for his club, and a more impressive 8 in 16 for Mexico U17’s, so he may actually have something. We have previously got lucky with Ayoze Perez in the past, who was signed in a similar manner, but let’s be honest, lightning rarely strikes twice, especially at our shambolic club.

Santiago will join our “Development squad” that…erm…doesn’t actually develop anyone. So it’s for this reason many of us are scratching our heads as to why this deal was so important for the club to complete today, over far more needed first team additions, especially as the club have allowed many more players to move out, making last season’s wafer thin squad even skinnier.

I’m sure there’s a few of you reading this thinking “Oh c’mon mate! Lighten up, it’s just a laugh!” Well I’m afraid I can’t do that. Newcastle United is a joke! Of that there is no doubt, and too many outside of our black & white security blanket, we’re the gift that keeps on giving. For me though, this joke stopped being funny long ago, and I’ve grown very tired of the clowns in charge at our club in Mike Ashley, Lee Charnely & Steve Bruce. Their act never made me crack a smile previously, and it sure as shit doesn’t now.

There’s also the case of “Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice?” As this deal smells a little bit similar to the disastrous signing of YouTube sensation Ignacio González, that led to Keegan walking away from his beloved Newcastle United for the second time, back in 2008. You wouldn’t put it past this lot to get a greasy backhander from someone to get this lad on the books, just like back then. The main difference then, we had a manager with the pride of a lion, who walked out of the job out of principle, and because it was morally wrong. Whereas now? We have a manager with as much pride & courage as Snagglepuss, and the morals of sewer a rat!

So forgive me for being a killjoy, I don’t want to hear your movie references, I don’t want to hear “Give the lad a chance” and I don’t want to hear that this regime is planning for the future. What I do want to hear, is why they think prioritising a 19 year old, who’ll never make the first team squad, over a backup striker to currently injured starman Callum Wilson, or an actual right back for the side, instead of shoe horning a winger in a square hole. I’d also like to hear what the plan is to keep us in the league? Because right now, it looks like they don’t have one.

Just a final thought to leave all those who love this bit of novelty, when Goal was made, we were a top 4 Premier league club, with Sir Bobby Robson as manager, hence why we were used in the franchise. If that movie was being made now? The movie producers would come nowhere near this tin pot club. Let that sink in when you’re chuckling over this utter pointless transfer.

Chris Currie – @wig82