Every year it happens. The list of the world’s happiest and unhappiest countries. It’s always all smiles in a Scandinavian country (Finland last time out) and the most unhappy is always a war torn country, which for obvious reasons are not going to be wearing the party hats. Its trivial, it’s meaningless and contrived so obviously, despite all this, I’m going to jump on it and look at who are the happiest and unhappiest teams in the Premier League. Let’s see who Helsinki’s without trace.

20^th place (Not just not happy but pretty livid)- Manchester United.

Where do we start? The football club equivalent of the Wall Street crash. Seemingly invincible for years and brought to its knees by Americans. 26 major trophies since 1996 but as it stands could end the season with a negative goal difference for the first time since 1991. Lucky not to be relegated.

Spent billions on players but to make matters worse, hated rivals Liverpool and noisy neighbours Man City have become world powerhouses. You couldn’t make it up.

My heart forever bleeds. 

19^th – Everton.

Last month’s crisis club have perked up enough to possibly survive, but this seasons drop like a stone have opened up seismic cracks between fan base and board which will take decades to heal. Financial meltdown and recruitment of players which have left them with £300m worth of square pegs in round holes leave the club not a very nice place to be around. The fans have created a siege mentality like getting up at 230 am to set fireworks off, but they are still set in the bottom two of this list.

18^th– Burnley

Burnley getting relegated wouldn’t be a massive shock and it’s to be argued they would be going down to a level they a naturally set at. What doesn’t bode well is the curious financial mess they could find themselves in after a takeover which was supposed to modernise and uplift a club which was doing pretty good anyway, thanks.

We tried our best to help with Chris Wood but happy they are not.

17^th–  Norwich City.

Hopelessly relegated again but not propping up the rest because really, do Norwich fans even care anymore? Hard to see the Canaries fans providing more angst than the teams above. The whole process will start in August again and we will see them in 2023.

16^th– Leeds United

A pretty miserable bunch at the best of times, especially when we beat them, but relegation would cause combustion around West Yorkshire and what could possibly cheer the rest of the country up? To be fair Leeds fans quite enjoy things at the moment, home games are an event and being back in the top flight even fleetingly is a lot better than losing to Histon who lost to Consett a few weeks ago.

Marching on together. 

15^th- Southampton

If you had asked Saints fans in August if they would have took 40 points with three games left,  they would have took your hand off, but the usual second half of the season blow up has angered the fans this time and Ralf ‘don’t buy any players please ever again’ Hasenhuttl  got stick on Saturday. They could still go down this season but the sense of foreboding about next year is turning the milk sour down the Solent. 

14^th –Chelsea 

Sympathy is hard on the ground really isn’t it? But Chelsea supporters are currently split into two camps. The ones who now support Man City and the ones who are claiming that getting through the current crisis (champions league winners in the last couple of years) is like a badge of honour and a hark back to the days when disability cars were parked behind Dave Beasant in front of 10,000.

Life is hard.

13^th– Leicester City

The strange case of Leicester this year. Won the cup last year but are nearer Watford’s points tally than Tottenham in 6^th, this time around. Can’t defend a corner for toffee and big Brendan is in the doghouse. Not Claude Puel doghouse, but getting there.

 12^th– Watford

See Norwich. If Luton go up they might wince a bit but the heart has gone. More unhappy that Roy Hodgson didn’t clap them than going down on Saturday.  

11^th– Brighton

For a team that played at an Athletics stadium (complete with high jump mat) not long ago, to be beating Manchester United 4-0 with a forward thinking coach in a brand new stadium, they should be further up right? But they have been generally tedious since Christmas really and couldn’t score against Norwich at home. Booed off, no less. Cried into their 2016 title scarves no doubt.

10^th-Wolverhampton Wanderers

Similar to Brighton, Wolves have sunk as low as League 1 (who does that) in the last ten years, so to be consolidating again, pushing for Europe; you would think it would be happy days.

But, they are boring aren’t they? 

9^th-Crystal Palace

A bit of a revamp this year for the Eagles and the fans seem happy generally with Vieira, with some new style of football which has got them not much further forward than last year points wise. The pre-season saw many predict Armageddon with a St Pauli flag flying, but they’ve done enough for Palace fans to be smiling, at least more than some teams.

8^th-Aston Villa

Ok, I might have them a bit high, but they once had Steve Bruce as manager so you have to be happy. A strange season and they do like a moan, but Villa have to be happy with having Coutinho and Gerrard more than Henri Lansbury and Bruce.

Plus Birmingham are terrible and Bruce is at West Brom. Laughing gas.

7^th-Tottenham

Always something to whine about down there, but they enter the higher echelons because they don’t have Nuno Santo as manager. They have a manager who wins trophies, a genuine world class strike duo and have a space age ground. They just don’t realise all this because they will finish below Arsenal. 

6^th-West Ham United.

It’s not long ago since Mark Noble was scrapping with fans on the pitch and the board were that hated, no one noticed they’d moved to a ground that was wholly shit. This year they’ve gallivanted around Europe, got drunk, went on holiday and they have developed into a good side. A bit like us in 2003. swap Bowen for Bellamy and Rice for Speed. Possibly.

 5^th-Arsenal

In the best fettle since the days of Henry, Wenger and er, Grimaldi. Young, precocious and after being bottom of the league after a month, they look set to return to the Champions League.

I wouldn’t put any currency on them to win any match as I don’t trust them, but for Arsenal fans that’s part of the charm.

 4^th– Manchester City

It’s a bit better than losing to Stockport isn’t it? Arguably the best team in a generation, coached by a genuine innovator and players that the rest can only dream of, But, empty seats, an uneasy relationship with the Champions league (they can’t win it) and a lot of fans wearing brother shirts with Dickov on the back, yearning for the bad old days again.

Honestly? For that, 4^th.

3^rd- Liverpool

Officially the best team in the world, in with a chance of at least three trophies. Brilliant players and loved manager. Won most of the games they’ve played since 2018, you have to be happy and they are, just goes to show how happy the next two are if they are above them.

 2^nd– Newcastle United. The lads.

Rid of Ashley. Rid of Bruce. Bruno. Joelinton. Wor Flags. Best atmosphere in the country at home again. Owners promising the world and probably delivering. The dead pigeon cleaned up. Really is there a happier fan base in the country than us right now?

Well, yes, but we are going to be much happier in the long run. Heady days.

 1^st– Brentford

Brentford fit the rhetoric anyway. Scandinavian. But really how could they not be the happiest team around? Used to trawling the bottom two leagues never mind the championship, But now beating the likes of Arsenal and West Ham and the pinnacle when they demolished Chelsea on their own ground. New ground. Eriksen. I don’t need to go on.

Simply the best time ever to be a Brentford fan. The only thing to be down about is the loss of all those pubs at Griffin Park.

Still think they will go down next year mind, so maybe a new name at the top next year pop pickers.

 Scott Robson